It’s here, the year I’ve waited for, the year I told myself I would find my mojo again when I was in those tough years of raising babies. It came and went, just like that both kids got on the bus and went off to school fulltime. A bittersweet moment that I thought was going to be the light at the end of the tunnel as a stay at home Mom. That year I would drive my business to success, the year I would get SO much done.
Or so I thought. Let me tell you, it isn’t turning out quite like I envisioned ( I mean is anything in life exactly how you plan? Let me answer that for you, NOPE!) This time has been filled with uncertainty. A moment that was suppose to be a turning point for me personally, and business wise, has been met with a feeling of confusion. Maybe being a small business owner isn’t what I really want? Do I even know what I really want? Is closing my boutique considered a failure? In my overly competitive brain the answer to that is yes and that starts a completely different spiral of frustration. But is doing something that you are maybe no longer passionate about silly because of your pride? I don’t have the answers to any of these.
People, do you see what I’m dealing with? Its been an internal struggle lately! It has been pointed that this is also called a mid-life crisis. Seriously, can you have a mid life crisis at 37? I guess that would be considered mid-life and then that just starts another struggle. Have I accomplished what I wanted at this point in life? Not even close! I am beyond blessed with a great husband of nearly 12 years and 2 beautiful daughters ( + 2 dogs and the perfect house in the suburbs). I have a good cushy life so I should be fulfilled but the reality is, I’m not. I feel like I walked away from the prime of my career at the age of 31. I’ve stayed at home with kids for the past 6 years and my brain feels like mush most days because of it. I have do direction, no schedule beyond what time the bus comes and drops off and the current highlight of my day is going to a Pure Barre class so I can leave this house! I am lost to say the least.
So, what’s next? Well I just don’t know. I wish I did but life takes you in directions that you didn’t expect and this is for sure one of those for me. I’m at a crossroads and unsure of the path I am going to choose. I want something that defines me outside of wife and mom. For this housewife that stinks at cooking and dislikes cleaning, well its time for a new direction. I love my family and they will always come first but it’s time for ME again. This year of change has come with its road bumps for sure. Just when you think you’ve got things figured out, you don’t. Just when you think you are buying your dream home, you’re not. And you know what, it’s ok. It’s OK to feel lost, it’s OK to need change (or not!) and it’s OK to change your path.
Now for me? I still don’t know. Maybe I stay doing what I’m doing and maybe I don’t. I haven’t decided yet. I’m choosing to take my time on this type of decision. So for all of you stay at home mamas out there struggling to get through your days, I feel you, I’ve been there. But cherish those moments (even the hard days) because before you know it’s over and they are at school. The days are long but the years are short is SO true. Before you know it, just like that, you are home alone talking to the dog.
Now does anyone want to employee a fashion obsessed, 37 year old, stay at home mom who can work Monday through Friday from 9-2 and needs off all holidays, breaks and weekends? Haha! Wish me luck on that one!
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